Your snoring is ridonkulous. I could hear it all the way downstairs. And now, in the adjacent bedroom, its like your nose is right up against a microphone and the bass on the amp is turned to its highest level and the concert hall speakers are in the corner of my bedroom at this moment. How the hell does anyone make such a sound with just their human body? Shocking.
I'm laying here with my earbuds on, the music playing, and yes, I can still hear you...
At least I'll be awake when Santa visits our house tonight...
You think you can use Thanksgiving as an excuse. Thanksgiving is but one day. What's the excuse for the other 3 days of this weekend in which you have overindulged in leftovers, Mom's cooking, brunch w/ old friends, pie, pie, pie, bowls of mashed potatoes cold out of the fridge just while walking around the house...
Let it be known...tomorrow is a new day. And the devil-may-care attitude towards your excessive calorie consumption will be left behind in San Diego. As of tomorrow, you better be ready to get off your ass, go for a run, revisit that P90X video sitting in the box, and get very used to living off of salad w/o dressing and ice cubes.
Skinny-girl-waiting-to-break-free-behind-all-this-blubber has spoken.
You intimidate the crap out of me. I hate that. I am a bumbling idiot around you. And it doesn't help that you're brilliant and witty and perfect in every way. In any case, if you could please break your nose or get a really bad haircut of some kind or even just turn out to be a huge jerk I'd really appreciate it. That way, I won't feel so absolutely smitten by you and I can silence the little voice in my head that says you're way out of my league and replace it with a confident "you're not all that"...snap, snap...
I had my reservations about you just via our initial phone conversations. But, I talked myself into being open-minded and at least giving you a chance. I wasn't expecting too much...and boy did you seriously come in under the very low bar I had set.
As I believe that everyone deserves love in their life, I'd like to give you some tips to reference when experiencing future 1st dates...just the basics:
On a 1st date, if inviting a girl to watch Monday Night Football, please clarify that you mean "not at a bar or restaurant with food and drink but rather at my house where I will offer you nothing but water and make an already uncomfortable situation even more awkward by making us sit together squished on my very small couch"
On a 1st date, don't play that game of "make her wait at the front door and ring the doorbell 3 times while I pretend that I was preoccupied and couldn't come down to open the door"
On a 1st date, be mindful of your attire. You don't have to wear a tuxedo. But walking around in your furry house slippers the whole time does not bode well. Seriously.
On a 1st date, remember that conversation is key. Dialogue, not monologue buddy. Don't cut your date off any time she starts to speak and interject with what you assume to be witty/sarcastic/funny tidbits/factoids/jokes when in fact you are hovering very near the line titled "asshole".
On a 1st date, don't interrogate your date about her most recent ex over and over and over and over again. Because really, at this point early on, its none of your business.
On a 1st date, don't ask your date to describe her "type", force her to answer though she's visible uncomfortable with doing so, and then say, out loud, "check" every time you think you've matched a characteristic she lists. (and PS - let's get real here: you can remove the self-anointed "check" from the smart, funny, and socially aware categories)
On a 1st date, when giving the tour of your home, do NOT, and I will repeat do NOT, say "this is where the magic happens" when showing your bedroom. I can NOT believe that people ACTUALLY say that anywhere other than on MTV Cribs.
On a 1st date, stop yourself from doing the yawn-stretch-put-your-arm-around-a-girl-move. The last time that move actually worked was in the era of Richie Cunningham...and maybe even long before then. What are we 14 again? I thought it was a joke at first. I was sadly mistaken.
I could go on and on and on...but I will leave you with this:
On a 1st date, be aware. If the girl is obviously not into you (and hey, I've been known to give mixed signals, but DEFINITELY not last night...my disgust and misery were very, very clear), let it go...let her go. Don't pout. Don't try and hold on. Don't make excuses to keep her there. Don't block the door as she's trying to kindly make her way to her car. Don't text her once she leaves...twice. Don't call. Don't follow up. Just let it go...let her go.
Seriously.
There will be others.
So take note.
And best of luck to ya...
Love (and I say that only as my normal sign-off...don't read into it!),
Me
Look, I know its really inconvenient with the Bay Bridge closure to have ALL of these people trying to pack into these little sardine cans just to get to the city for work...tight fit...breath and body everywhere. It sucks. And for you regular BART'ers out there, I'm sure you don't appreciate having us AC Transit bus riders and those non-earth-friendly car drivers stuffing and pushing into your ride. Still, when I come on board and try to find myself a spot on the ground to plant my feet, take a look. Clearly at a mere 5'0 tall, I'm closer to the floor than to the overhead hand rail. No, I can't reach. So, how 'bout you stop giving me a dirty look when I hold on to the corner of your seat. I'm not trying to get up in your business, touch your hair, or steal anything. I'm simply trying to avoid falling on my ass. And may I remind you, you have a seat, I don't. Let's all just try to ride along in peace. And if not, F you. See what happens when BART strikes and you try coming onto my bus...I'll show you unwelcoming...
Let's just put it all on the table, shall we? I despise you. From the very essence of my being, I HATE you. Probably the least enjoyable 3 hours I have spent in some time was dedicated to telling you how many categories of regulatory signs California has, and what you should do in icy weather (I live in San Francisco). That being said, I must admit that you are quite effective as a preventive tool. I NEVER want to hang out with you again, and to make sure that I don't, I am going to start being the most by-the-rules driver in the city. So here's to you, Online Traffic School, with a hearty F*** you and a nice boot in the ass as I kick you out the door.
I am utterly confused by your purpose in life. As I stand in line watching the lady in front of me order you at 8:30 in the morning, I wonder..."Why?". I mean really...what good does that do? If its purely to have the coffee taste without the wake-me-up-and-keep-me-going effects of the caffeine, isnt that kinda superficial? Like dating a gorgeous playboy bunny with no brains? I guess if it were like that, Id expect more men to drink you.
And if your stellar "it" (circa 1987) line-up wasn't enough, watching Christy do her "favorite exercises" with their sexual undertones all the while knowing her sex-addict husband left her for another woman makes me feel icky.
And yet I watch...on a Friday night...reminded that I am home...and pathetic.
Damn you.
Love,
Me
PS - they list Wesley Snipes as an actor/martial artist. WTF?! Since when did he become either of those things?
I have enjoyed our long, committed relationship for almost 40 years. You have been my babysitter, travel companion, and English teacher among your many roles. Now it is time for our relationship to change. With a family of my own, there are just too many demands on my time and you are my #1 time-sucker. Everytime I turn you on, I am seduced into watching just "one more show" and before I know it, the evening is over. I find your "next week on..." previews too enticing, giving me glimpses into future, fabulous episodes that will surely take away time from me and my family.
So I'm putting myself on a strict TV diet. I am limiting myself to the absolute essentials - Top Chef, Project Runway, Grey's Anatomy, and Drop Dead Diva. I will not turn on the television to watch ever ubiquitous House Hunters, Iron Chef, and Criminal Minds. I will surely miss the drama, inanity, and insanity of those and other shows, but I will learn to live without - for myself and for my family.
You help me get through my work day. You offer thousands, nay, MILLIONS of time-wasters like facebook, twitter, *cough* blogging, and the like. That being said, I feel pretty unsatisfied at the end of the day. You tease me but don't please me. I wish I knew how to quit you!
I'd love it if you'd please hurry and help me find the Jim to my Pam. 1)So I can be ridiculously happy for the rest of my days and 2)so I can watch my coworkers endearingly make fools of themselves dancing to "Forever" down the aisle at my wedding. (Oh, and dear coworkers, yes, you will...)
I know that we're not used to rain. I know this. It makes the road wet and icky. How about we just calm down, take a deep breath, and realize that the world is not ending. A few hours of rain does not "El Nino" make.
Look, I just gotta say it: I'm not ready to get serious right now. I don't mind seeing you a few times a week, but I'm the kind of girl that needs "me" time as well. I don't want to be smothered by you...everyday is just too much togetherness for me.
I understand that taking it slow means that I may not get everything I want out of this relationship. But, I'm willing. Plus, I'm hecka lazy and have a fear of commitment. I get bored easily. And though I appreciate you trying to mix-it-up for me, I'm still gonna have to take a step back. So, let's just play it by ear, ok?
Not gonna press "play" tonight. Maybe tomorrow? I'll text you...
I appreciate your diligence and stead-fast devotion to keeping our streets free of dirt and debris. Posted signs state that you clean one side of my street three times a week, and the other side two times a week. I have the parking tickets to prove how serious you are about your task. What seems strange is how little of an effect all of your dedication seems to have. After running over a nail on my street required a tire change, I parked carefully on the other side of the street, running over a beer bottle in the process. In your defense, this WAS on the side of the street that only gets cleaned twice a week.
I wish I could nominate you all for the Budweiser "Real American Hero" awards, but sadly, this dedication will have to suffice.
Thanks so much for the email regarding your new promotion to earn DOUBLE ELEVATE POINTS. I especially appreciate the fine print that says you need to book your reservations between Oct 12 - 15...
...since I JUST booked 3 flights for all my holiday and work travel...yesterday...October 11...one day, nay, 14 hours, really...too soon. 2000+ points lost...
Hey early bird: how 'bout you suck on that worm...
I initially thought to spew some verbal venom on you this morning. But, I've had a change of heart. See, maybe you just didn't understand that when you were illegally taking a bicycle that was not yours from the N. Berkeley BART station, you were not only engaging in a CRIME, but you were also robbing a young lady, newly relocated from the city, knowing no one in the East Bay, and not having a car to rely on of her ONLY form of transportation to get groceries, see movies, make Target runs, and make a life for herself.
Please understand that God and the universe act in a fair manner and from what they say, kharma's a bitch.
With that being said, I hope that this one-wheeled bike with basket and rack is worth the misery that will surely come your way...
Toodles!
Love, Me
PS: If anyone in Berkeley see's this bike, please tackle the rider, reprimand him/her, and contact me for safe return of my vehicle. Thanks!
Its true...you are currently the most intimate relationship I have right now in my life. I spend more time with you than anyone else these days. You are luscious, fun, and you satisfy my desires.
But, as good as you are TO me, you're not good FOR me. I fear people will get the wrong idea about our relationship and think less of me. Plus, being with you makes me fat.
I've decided I need some space. I can't see you for the rest of the month...no, not even on Mondays to watch football together. I hope you'll understand. Trust me, this is harder on me than it is on you.
You've been a hard one to love this year. Tryin' to get over my ex-boyfriend. Work has been drama. My assistant quit. My bike got stolen. I've cried more within your days than I have the rest of '09 combined. You suck, October.
But you're not over yet. I feel we can reconcile and make this thing work. Stop playing hard-to-get.
