I had my reservations about you just via our initial phone conversations. But, I talked myself into being open-minded and at least giving you a chance. I wasn't expecting too much...and boy did you seriously come in under the very low bar I had set.
As I believe that everyone deserves love in their life, I'd like to give you some tips to reference when experiencing future 1st dates...just the basics:
On a 1st date, if inviting a girl to watch Monday Night Football, please clarify that you mean "not at a bar or restaurant with food and drink but rather at my house where I will offer you nothing but water and make an already uncomfortable situation even more awkward by making us sit together squished on my very small couch"
On a 1st date, don't play that game of "make her wait at the front door and ring the doorbell 3 times while I pretend that I was preoccupied and couldn't come down to open the door"
On a 1st date, be mindful of your attire. You don't have to wear a tuxedo. But walking around in your furry house slippers the whole time does not bode well. Seriously.
On a 1st date, remember that conversation is key. Dialogue, not monologue buddy. Don't cut your date off any time she starts to speak and interject with what you assume to be witty/sarcastic/funny tidbits/factoids/jokes when in fact you are hovering very near the line titled "asshole".
On a 1st date, don't interrogate your date about her most recent ex over and over and over and over again. Because really, at this point early on, its none of your business.
On a 1st date, don't ask your date to describe her "type", force her to answer though she's visible uncomfortable with doing so, and then say, out loud, "check" every time you think you've matched a characteristic she lists. (and PS - let's get real here: you can remove the self-anointed "check" from the smart, funny, and socially aware categories)
On a 1st date, when giving the tour of your home, do NOT, and I will repeat do NOT, say "this is where the magic happens" when showing your bedroom. I can NOT believe that people ACTUALLY say that anywhere other than on MTV Cribs.
On a 1st date, stop yourself from doing the yawn-stretch-put-your-arm-around-a-girl-move. The last time that move actually worked was in the era of Richie Cunningham...and maybe even long before then. What are we 14 again? I thought it was a joke at first. I was sadly mistaken.
I could go on and on and on...but I will leave you with this:
On a 1st date, be aware. If the girl is obviously not into you (and hey, I've been known to give mixed signals, but DEFINITELY not last night...my disgust and misery were very, very clear), let it go...let her go. Don't pout. Don't try and hold on. Don't make excuses to keep her there. Don't block the door as she's trying to kindly make her way to her car. Don't text her once she leaves...twice. Don't call. Don't follow up. Just let it go...let her go.
Seriously.
There will be others.
So take note.
And best of luck to ya...
Love (and I say that only as my normal sign-off...don't read into it!),
Me
