Dear Twitter.com

I don't understand you. You remind me of the matrix; just page after page of meaningless and unending data that scrolls on forever.  What am I supposed to do with you?  I can't even find people I know because people don't use their real names.  I finally find someone that I know, and the longest message I can send them is about 3 words long.  Everyone includes a link to even more information whenever they type something, and what am I supposed to do, click on each one of those individual links?  I don't have time for you.  I'll keep my account, but only to pester Susan with it.

Lovingly Yours,
Me

Dear Shakira...

Your voice is weird.  If I were you, I'd stay away from ballads.  But your hip roll is money...stick with it...


Love,
Me

Dear Disgusting Growth on My Face...

So I noticed how you started small, basically just irritating the left corner of my mouth.  How the hell did you turn into this monsterous, red, crusty flesh-eating-virus-thingy?  Look, I admit I have been uber-stressed, working way too hard, eating like shit, and not sleeping...and yeah, PMS'ing.  But, I thought the whole point of getting older and dealing with (minor) laugh lines and crows feet was a trade off for not having a disgusting break out of acne!  

Seeing you tonight, I cannot believe the wrath, the big F'you, you're saying to my face.  Are you really a cluster of small zits...or are you actually something worse?  Is this going to turn into some District 9 nightmare?  Whatever you are...go away.  No matter how I try to cover you up with concealer, I see people's eyes wander in your direction when they're talking to me.  I'm starting to get self-conscious...and no boys will want to kiss me (at least that's today's excuse...).  

And you're making it hard to eat.  I can't open my mouth wide enough to take bites.  Its like Snookie after she got decked by that guy and had the fat lip and couldn't really eat the steak and lobster.  And believe you me, I kinda hate being likened to Snookie in any way.  

So, I'll ask nicely...heal thyself.

Thanks.

Love, 

Me

PS - I just noticed how when I frown, you kinda look like a comma hanging off my mouth.  Interesting.