Dear Amazon

I get it.  Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy is popular.  I've read it.  I loved it.  But I'm tired of seeing it recommended to me every time I buy a book.  I even bought the books from you!  So please just turn it off!

Gratefully,
Me

Dear Man in Seat 18B

Your breath be hella hangry yo!  For flights longer than 2 hours, please either bring a toothbrush, buy a pack of gum, or eat a garlic & onion bagel.  I'd prefer any of these than the torture I'm dealing with having to sit next to you for 5 hours. 

Love,
Me

Dear Fifty Shades of Grey...

You've managed to make angry, controlling men fashionable.  And you've made me curious about anal beads.  Hmmm...how you do that?

Love,
Me

Dear Cabo...

Brace yourself. In a little over 2 weeks' time, I will descend upon your shores.  I warn you now.  Hide your children. Lock everyone indoors. I will do my best to cover that which should not be seen.  But, its January.  We've had a sunless winter. And I've gluttonously been enjoying food and drink without remorse.

This will be very, very scary.

Consider yourself warned.

Love,
Me

Dear Karen F. Owens...

I gotta say, your Duke F@%K List has caused quite the stir.  Girl, if you're gonna put all your business out there, be prepared for the fallout.  Still, I have to admit, that was ONE entertaining read!  I laughed...it reminds me of the conversations I have (in private, mind you) with my girlfriends.

Couple things I find confusing:

How is it that with all the brew-ha-ha about the "Subjects" you go into detail describing, YOU haven't gotten much flack for being such a floozy!  I mean, c'mon! You slept with the entire team(s), practically.

Also, I gotta say, I was surprised to find that you're not that even that pretty!  And some of those guys were pretty hot.  Well, you did mention that most of them were under extreme alcohol-influence.  (this is not one of your best pictures, BTW)

In any case, you go girl...get yourself some...though I doubt you'll be welcomed back to Duke for homecoming any time soon...

PS - just in case you forgot what you put out there, here's a link to it (Duke F List)..drill down to the "document in full" section for the whole shabang!  Enjoy! (oh and if you're curious enough (as I just so happened to be), you can google this thing and find copies of the doc w/ the faces of the guys NOT blurred out...just sayin')

Love,
Me

Dear iPad...

I think I'm in love with you.

I want to touch you.  I want to get to know everything about you and how you can best serve me in my life.  You make things easy for me.  And even though you're a lot smaller than the others I've had, you please me...like they say: size doesn't matter if you know what to do with it.  And you do, iPad, yes, you do.

I love that you can so easily change positions for me...any way I like it.  You impress my parents and my family and I'm sure once my friends get to know you, they'll love you too.  So what if you lack certain traits.  Nobody's perfect. You rock in all the important stuff.  And you're pretty...god, you're pretty.  I feel important when we're together. People take notice and ask me about you.  They're jealous...they want you too.

I don't know how long this infatuation will last.  But, for now, you and me are going everywhere together.

*sigh*...

xoxo,
Me

Dear 23 year old suitor...

Shame on you. Let's make this clear, I am not quite ready yet to enter Cougarville.  Yet your charm and so-obviously-too-young-for-me good looks keep beckoning me towards there.  However, just when I thought that maybe I'd throw caution and all common-sense to the wind and possibly "hang out", your perfectly cliche youth and immaturity kicked me in the gut...thanks for the favor and the slap awake to reality.

With that said, I'd like to share some tidbits to help you in your future with women.  Consider it my "Mrs. Robinson" moment, only not rated R.

• Girls don't want to hear you urinate while on the phone with them.  So, as much as I appreciate you giving me notice that you "have to piss" or "take a leak", I don't want to hear the actual act.  Not hot.
• So, like, I get that you have to like, tell me a story, but like, I want to pull out like every eyelash every time I like hear you say "like".  Like, ok?
• I can appreciate being a student (yes, he's a student...ack) and not having any money.  But, the whole "you can be my Sugar Mama" thing is a major turn off.  Show some ambition, get a job during your summer break (yes, he's on summer break...ack)
• And while you're at it, I don't want to hear about how you had cereal every meal for 2 days and then had peanut butter on a tortilla because you didn't have bread.  Just makes me sad, really.
• Telling me how you haven't changed your sheets in "like, maybe a year" makes me want to vomit. 
• Describing your room as "so not a 23 year old's room" yet displaying a Bob Marley poster and a big black bean bag in the corner says differently.  Oh yeah, and that Japanese army poster you're so proud of...well, study some history...I'm Korean.
• If I was 25, maybe the "Asian girls are so fucking hot" compliment would make my heart warm, but really...that much enthusiasm kinda annoys me now.
• Anything more than 10 years is no longer counted in years, but rather generations.  Take note.

Bless your heart for trying.  I'm sorry girls your age don't "appreciate you".  Keep pluggin', kid.  Me: I'm too old, cranky, tired, and set in my ways to "chill" with you and "just have some fun".  I think I need to find the closest retirement community, approach it as my dating pool, and see if I can't find me a "mature man" to return the favor and teach me a thing or two...

Love, 

Me